just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
the raccoons are back...
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