Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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