she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
