My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
