Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
