Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
