Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
