just tell him i said nine months
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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