I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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