In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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