I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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