I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
