Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
