U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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