don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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