I could make wine with my vomit
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
