Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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