im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
