That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
