Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
