If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
