6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
