Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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