There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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