you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
