Need sex. Gaining weight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
