dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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