nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
