so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
