I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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