I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
