Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I sprained my soul last night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
