u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
