I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
