just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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