She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
