Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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