My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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