Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I know her cup size but not her name....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
