I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
