I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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