Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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