Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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