can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
