Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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