seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
