you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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