Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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