No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize