I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
