i love accidental penises.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
