Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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