im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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