Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
