I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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