I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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