Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Pants are for mortals
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