tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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