But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
