Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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