You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
