It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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