We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize