I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
