I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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