i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
